With my little battered wing I’ve had a lot of time to do a majority of my training on foot.  Not that I mind.  I really do like running…quite a bit.  So while we’ve been coaxing my bicep tendon into staying attached to the rest of my arm  I’ve been running in circles.  Lots and lots of circles.

A little bounding.  A little track session.  (a painfully flat two miles followed by my body hitting total failure 400 after 400meter repeat)  My hamstrings are remembering what it feels like to move quickly.  A little more spring in my stride.  I could get used to this.

Last week when I was running up into Henry’s Woods I got to thinking.  What goes through my mind during running intervals and what goes through my mind during skiing intervals are very, very different.  I suppose it makes sense, I’ve been running for a much larger part of my life.   When I run I pick the best line.  The fastest way to get around the course.  to get down the trail.  I listen to my breathing.  My cadence.  My foot strike.  Making my stride efficient based on the terrain.  Pump my arms.  Relax my shoulders.  Lean forward.  Easy gait.  Its natural.  and I find my self focused and finely tuned.

…what goes through my mind when I ski?

“WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!”

followed quickly by, “Please don’t fall down. Don’t fall down. don’t fall down!”

Its an interesting contrast.  But it makes me think.  Often times I’ve had coaches say, “with practice you won’t have to think about all these technique things when you ski”  But i think thats wrong.  With time I hope my skiing mimics my running more and more.  When I can reel in the seconds, and use all my focus to excel.

I might be broken, battered, and minutely crippled… but I love what I do.  Even when I’m frustrated… there is good to my every day.  Sure today was unseasonably warm.  Heck! Perhaps even “record highs”…  But there was sunshine and mountains to climb.  Great little run this morning.  Really.  Pretty darn wonderful.

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere… even starting to slip backwards… We may actually be backing up to get a running start.” –Dan Millman 

I jumped back into training, especially in the weight room, with vengeance on wednesday afternoon.  I was angry.  Livid.   I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite so irate!  I ran with aggression.  Really wild aggression… and then I came and saw the strength crew and punished myself.  I wanted to be sore.  I wanted to feel my muscles work.

We did just that.  I was fatigued.  My anger had subsided.

Its now friday.  And I still can’t lift my arms normally.  But you know what?  I’m pretty darn happy.  Happy that every thing hurts, because atleast I know I’m doing something.

Yes I am about to write something emotionally charged.  I can not sit on how this feels.

I had a lunch meeting with both my coaches and sports medicine enforcer yesterday…  and I just shut down.  I’ve been injured before.  I’ve spent months on crutches.  I’ve undergone surgery.  This is nothing new… but just as hard.  I did not contribute much to the conversation between Jonne, Patrick, and Karen.  I nodded my head.  I picked at my nails.  They talked about when I could start skiing again.  About progressing slowly.  I thought about all the time I’ve already lost.  The workouts continually modified.  “How behind will this put me?!?!”  They talked about what I could physically manage.  How rehab was going.  They focused on the plan, the future, the big picture.  I focused on the  overwhelming knot threatening to close up my throat.  As I choked back my frustration tears began to stream slowly down my cheeks.

All I could think, “All I want to do is ski….please let me ski?”  In the last 8 weeks I’ve skied maybe a dozen times.

Here I sat.  Nearly blubbering.  Surrounded by people who care about me.  People who have only what’s best for me in mind.  Mindful of my season.  Mindful of my career.  And all I could do is stare at the table in front of my face.  The contrast between the mature adult conversation around me and my state was clear.  I clearly needed to run away.  Once excused I did just that.

So I did what I do best.  I threw on my running shoes and hit the trails.   I ran angry.  I needed to express myself somehow… and I found it somewhere between the mud and the leaves.