Even as I write this I still do not have feeling in half of my fingers. Welcome to winter I guess! Looks like I ought to double-check my spelling today, I keep hitting the wrong keys. Numb numb numb.
This weekend was a whirlwind in so many ways. The weather. The skiing, the shooting, and all the emotions that go with being a racer. Highs that make you nearly giddy and your face hurt because your grin could rip your face in two. …and lows that make the inside of your body ache because you can’t see the big picture anymore.
It’s just a race. Just a season. But every athlete knows (or atleast will discover) it’s so very easy to forget that your self-worth is not dependent on the outcome of a race.
After all of us faced a humorously frustrating sprint day in the wind on Friday, looking forward to Saturday’s race felt easy. For the first time this year I felt the unrelenting urge to chase down every single women starting in front of me. Just like Lilly, no reason not to just go catch to the next one… just because you can.
It was cold. I couldn’t feel my hands. During prone I might as well of had hooves. Breathe, Breathe, take a good shot. Back to my old form in prone, I only missed 1 out of 10. Even in standing I can now feel myself in control. I don’t have to cross my fingers and hope a target goes down. I know it will. and I like that feeling. I managed to hit 6 out of 10 in standing, a huge improvement over my races in December. Skiing wasn’t too bad either. I could feel the crud trying to settle on the top of my lungs, but I did my best to hold it together. It was a good weekend of… trying not to drown. Success?
It wasn’t my best day on skis. It wasn’t my day on the range. But sometimes good results come from ok performances. In the end. I won the pursuit. My first win as a Senior. And it felt good.
At this point racing was starting to take a toll on me. My mucus and I are in this epic battle of , “No I was here first!” And I was losing.
With the temperatures plummeting well below 0F and not looking like they wanted to warm up any time soon my dwindling health that I had fought hard for all week became a priority. After consulting with the Women’s head coach and the US team doctor we decided sitting out of the mass start was in my best interest I headed back across the lake to New York. Where I virtually held my breath waiting for the ICC to announce their nominations for the U26/Euro Championships team….
Well. I wasn’t on it. I quickly became a wild mixture of crushed and furious. Fighting the urge to cry, laugh, and kick things simultaneously. I’m still fighting that urge.
I know there is little I can do besides keep my chin up. But its moments like these when you have to search really hard for the good things and hang on to them… because it’s so easy to drown when you forget how to tread water.