Being an athlete is odd.  I’ve never been so solely defined in my entire life.  I’ve always had so much going on.  But now more than ever I am that.  An Athlete.

Lots of people have control of what we do.  how we train. where we go. when we leave.

Lots of people have suggestions for us.  what we eat. when we eat.  do you lift. don’t you lift.

Sometimes I forget that I have opinions about what I’m doing.  and I’m trying to listen to them.  And then last night reminded me again about how little control I have.

I got drug tested.  Yep. USADA finally got me.  Sure enough I was bragging at dinner about how I’ve never been tested!  Should have held my tongue!   an hour later our friendly doping control man was knocking at my door.  …Had I just gone pee?  Where were you 10 minutes ago!?

Forms were filed.  Things needed to be signed, sealed, delivered, and I was just along for the ride.  Then we waited.  Making small talk with the couple that were going to watch me pee into a cup.  …Is this real life?

I didn’t break any records.  But finally, two and a half hours later I had my life back.  and you know what I did?  I went to sleep.

Ok so its true… its much too warm for November.  This time last year I was in Canmore battling hypothermia… today, I rollerskied in a t-shirt! AH!  Its sunny, and although I know I should be anxious for snow.  Pleading for winter.   This morning I was quite content.

It might help that I got to rollerski with BOTH arms!  Big deal. I know.

My coach gave me a little tidbit that kept me laughing the entire ski.  We are trying to find a strong arm position that doesn’t compromise my bicep tendon.  The goal?  Keep my arm extended out in front of me. Rather than creeping back into my crunched choppy little arm motion.    As a way to remember to do this my coach asked me to think about Middle School dances.  Think 6th graders.  (Not you 8th graders, I’ve seen you dance, remember I was once an 8th grader too)  Middle school was definitly an awkward phase for me so this image of keeping a dance partner as far away from you as possible was all too familiar and oh so entertaining.

The best part?  It worked.  It actually brings my whole body position forward!  Slowly working out of the hockey skating legs.  The true test will be seeing how my arm feels tomorrow…  so keep your fingers crossed!

Dear Dog Owners,

You crack me up.  Seriously.

Not a run goes by that you don’t make me laugh.  Right on cue your dog will run at me.  With his silly dog grin.  I’ll greet your pouch with an equally stupid grin smeared across my face.  (Dogs are like babies I can’t help how I’m hard wired)

And then its your turn.  Almost frantic.  “Don’t worry he’s friendly!!!!”

My mind screams. “uduh! master of the obvious!”  You are in fact walking your dog off a leash on public trails.  If your dog isn’t friendly you have some re-evaluating to do of your choices.

Heaven forbid your dog isn’t friendly…. It is instinct… I will drop kick your trained attack pug.

Sincerely,

Trail share-er

With my little battered wing I’ve had a lot of time to do a majority of my training on foot.  Not that I mind.  I really do like running…quite a bit.  So while we’ve been coaxing my bicep tendon into staying attached to the rest of my arm  I’ve been running in circles.  Lots and lots of circles.

A little bounding.  A little track session.  (a painfully flat two miles followed by my body hitting total failure 400 after 400meter repeat)  My hamstrings are remembering what it feels like to move quickly.  A little more spring in my stride.  I could get used to this.

Last week when I was running up into Henry’s Woods I got to thinking.  What goes through my mind during running intervals and what goes through my mind during skiing intervals are very, very different.  I suppose it makes sense, I’ve been running for a much larger part of my life.   When I run I pick the best line.  The fastest way to get around the course.  to get down the trail.  I listen to my breathing.  My cadence.  My foot strike.  Making my stride efficient based on the terrain.  Pump my arms.  Relax my shoulders.  Lean forward.  Easy gait.  Its natural.  and I find my self focused and finely tuned.

…what goes through my mind when I ski?

“WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!”

followed quickly by, “Please don’t fall down. Don’t fall down. don’t fall down!”

Its an interesting contrast.  But it makes me think.  Often times I’ve had coaches say, “with practice you won’t have to think about all these technique things when you ski”  But i think thats wrong.  With time I hope my skiing mimics my running more and more.  When I can reel in the seconds, and use all my focus to excel.

I might be broken, battered, and minutely crippled… but I love what I do.  Even when I’m frustrated… there is good to my every day.  Sure today was unseasonably warm.  Heck! Perhaps even “record highs”…  But there was sunshine and mountains to climb.  Great little run this morning.  Really.  Pretty darn wonderful.

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere… even starting to slip backwards… We may actually be backing up to get a running start.” –Dan Millman 

I jumped back into training, especially in the weight room, with vengeance on wednesday afternoon.  I was angry.  Livid.   I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite so irate!  I ran with aggression.  Really wild aggression… and then I came and saw the strength crew and punished myself.  I wanted to be sore.  I wanted to feel my muscles work.

We did just that.  I was fatigued.  My anger had subsided.

Its now friday.  And I still can’t lift my arms normally.  But you know what?  I’m pretty darn happy.  Happy that every thing hurts, because atleast I know I’m doing something.

Yes I am about to write something emotionally charged.  I can not sit on how this feels.

I had a lunch meeting with both my coaches and sports medicine enforcer yesterday…  and I just shut down.  I’ve been injured before.  I’ve spent months on crutches.  I’ve undergone surgery.  This is nothing new… but just as hard.  I did not contribute much to the conversation between Jonne, Patrick, and Karen.  I nodded my head.  I picked at my nails.  They talked about when I could start skiing again.  About progressing slowly.  I thought about all the time I’ve already lost.  The workouts continually modified.  “How behind will this put me?!?!”  They talked about what I could physically manage.  How rehab was going.  They focused on the plan, the future, the big picture.  I focused on the  overwhelming knot threatening to close up my throat.  As I choked back my frustration tears began to stream slowly down my cheeks.

All I could think, “All I want to do is ski….please let me ski?”  In the last 8 weeks I’ve skied maybe a dozen times.

Here I sat.  Nearly blubbering.  Surrounded by people who care about me.  People who have only what’s best for me in mind.  Mindful of my season.  Mindful of my career.  And all I could do is stare at the table in front of my face.  The contrast between the mature adult conversation around me and my state was clear.  I clearly needed to run away.  Once excused I did just that.

So I did what I do best.  I threw on my running shoes and hit the trails.   I ran angry.  I needed to express myself somehow… and I found it somewhere between the mud and the leaves.

If you are being nagged by a persistent, reluctant to heal injury… you probably shouldn’t do the following.  But feel free to read all about it!

In my return to Lake Placid I’ve been counseled by sports med, reassessed by the doctor, covered in enough kinesio tape to look like a piece of deco art, and finally started up on a rehab program… Progress looking for progress.  After all I have to put myself back together so that I have a functioning limb whenever it is my season starts up.   The whole process is a little bit frustrating.  There is a lot of, “You want me to do what with my shoulder blade?!?!”  Flexing things on command I didn’t know you could flex.  Ideally I would like an overnight miracle healing where I wake up feeling good as new… unfortunately I’ve come to find it doesn’t really work that way.

And so last night I took to my mountain bike (ok that’s a lie, its not my bike) and headed into the dark and the rain to take my frustration out on the muddy, root filled trails.  Its great.  Its generally just a bunch of guys.  They let me crank along, mashing on my pedals as I try not to get lost cussing at each looming stump and log.  I seem to mostly perpetually fall over (don’t worry I broke the bikes fall with my body) as my riding style leaves a little to be desired… In general I choose (hah, as if I have a choice!) to ride through whatever obstacles might be in my way rather than over or even around them.  Yes as I’m sure you are imagining right now, I am a graceful specimen on a bike (also a lie)…

The mud was flying, the roots were slick.  You could see our breath in the light from our headlamps.

Quick Aside: Thanks for slapping a light on my helmet every time I show up…even if you only do it so that if and when you drop me you can locate me again through the woods via the beacon on my head.  I really do appreciate it.

True it was cold, and yes the blood trickling down my calve may or may not be from slamming my own gear into my leg… but for the most part I was having too much fun to really care.  Ok sure, snuggling with a Pitbull for body warmth might have been a moment of weakness. But I will attest that he was shivering almost as much as I was…

After any abuse I caused to myself (or the trail for that matter) I was happy to roll into L&S for warm food and good company… good food and warm company?  Either way, covered in mud, looking not at all presentable… I was happy.  Truly happy. and grinning like an idiot.

Before our camp came to a close this past weekend in Utah we had one thing left to do… check out some short track speed skating!  Earlier in the week we got an invite to come on over to Deer Valley for dinner at the speed skating house before heading into Salt Lake City for a night of watching spandex clad bodies race around the olympic oval.  It was completely optional, but the entire women’s team jumped at the opportunity, and soon I found myself post 5 hour hike, post shower, nestled between a ski bag and the window of our van hurling down the interstate. (Late as usual)

We arrived at the speed skating house fashionably late and on the verge of loosing all the food I had managed to get back in myself after that morning’s adventure.  “Pull yourself together!” I thought, “YOU MUST CO-MINGLE!” “Green is not a normal complexion!”  Between the parking lot and the condo we only got turned around twice more.  I’m surprised we couldn’t find the place by our coaches excited chatter.  When we got inside they only paused briefly to smile hello before returning to their discussion.  (who knew speed skating, biathlon, and nordic combine had so much to talk about!)

Quick side note:  Whoever thought burritos were a good “getting to meet a bunch of strangers” food I ask you simple this…really!?!?  Ok, I love burritos…but I can only imagine how goonish I looked covered in a mixture of guacamole, rice, and what appeared to be chicken. “Hi I’m Corrine, I would shake your hand but as you can see its covered in my dinner…”

From there we took off for Salt Lake for the Korean Air ISU World Cup.  Ready to be thoroughly confused and entertained by a sport I knew nothing about.  Time to get my chant on!  USA, USA, USA!  Getting there alive might be the highlight of the evening as we followed a car following a car to the venue at some ill-conceived rate of mock10.  You don’t often squeal the wheels of a mini van.

We piled into the media section of the stands and waited to have our minds blown.

The races made me dizzy with their short loops.  I got nervous and anxious for the racers as they approached the final two laps of each race and the suddenly accelerated!  Talk about a sport of tactics!  I would either be sliding on my butt into the boards or getting DQ’d for elbowing some irritating chick in the face.  It was an exciting night to be an American fan, the women alone took home three of the six podium spots!

We stayed until the end so we could watch the men’s and women’s relay qualifying races.  During the relay there is something like 20-25 skaters on the ice.  There are tag offs, crashes (oh yes we love crashes), and an overwhelming list of rules.  Lucky for me I had two speed skating pros and olympic medalists Joey Cheek, and Travis Jayner to explain everything that was happening in a play by play run down race after race.

It was an awesome night and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to watch my future TEAM USA teammates kick large quantities of spandex-y ass!   Going into Sochi the USOC really wants us to be something bigger than all these separated sports teams who just so happen to wear the same awkward opening ceremonies sweaters…  They want us to be united.  To really be Team USA, and last night you could already feel the olympic spirit!

(picture from team mate: Susan Dunklee)